The university and department has been officially shutdown on March 17th, but things were getting serious even before then. Spring break had already been extended by one week so that classes could transition to online only and limiting access to graduate students. Even this changed rapidly over the weekend, probably because some undergraduate students were tested positive for Covid-19. In my mind, March 15th is the day things shutdown realistically and I got ready to shelter-at-home. I think it was 3/17 or 3/18 that I brought my lab desktop home and then I made a final trip to bring back any of my other personal items, including my VERY important Nespresso machine.
The weeks leading up to March 15 were filled with uncertainty about what was to come and the extent that people would have to isolate themself. I thought it wouldn't get that bad in Philly, but I still started ordering essential items, like masks and gloves and other household items. Even then, the delivery dates were over a month away and even today I haven't received all of my items. I can't imagine what it would've been like if I hadn't ordered everything at that time. What has been surprising, though, is that other things (which aren't in such a high demand) seem to arrive much faster. I take this is a positive sign that the entire system isn't overrun and dysfunctional.. yet.
It's been a few weeks since I started to isolate and about 10 days of complete isolation. If I was infected, it's still not enough time for me to know if I have it or not. The worst part is that even going downstairs to pick up a package feels like a chance for exposure, especially when there are so many people who seem to be oblivious to the threats and walk around without masks and don't seem to keep social distancing measures at all. I know I'm part of the luckier group who doesn't have to worry about not being paid and can have most things delivered (I am truly grateful for those people running those delivery services, though I'm sure they don't want to be outside either..), but I can't help feeling this overwhelming dread at times.
Where is this dread coming from?
I read that what we are experiencing is a form of collective grief. Part of it is an anticipatory grief or anxiety, part of it stems from the whole open-endedness of the pandemic, etc. but for me, I think what's particularly distressing is two things: The loss of agency/control and the feeling of powerlessness. Both of these things are related to each other, but there is a subtle difference.
Not having a choice but having to accept the way things are given the current situation is a more immediate result that in time will be overcome. As we learn to live with the virus and the pandemic, as we learn to live isolated live and work in virtual settings, things will be easier on this end. It's annoying and uncomfortable, but despite not knowing when it will end, it's clear that it will end at some point.
The feeling of powerlessness is similar, but it's more related to the greater society and how our life has just changed in general (or is this just the reality of the world) and there is nothing that can be done about it. Listening to a worthless president ramble on about how great he is despite all the clear failures, countries and their respective governments that try to cover-up failures of containment and spread propaganda about its leadership role in the world, the unreasonable people who demonstrate their racist tendencies through aggression to Asians, people who stigmatize those who want to be cautious and give strange stares or actions to people who wear masks, the masses of people who succumb to all the misdirection without a shred of critical thinking, ... the list is endless. There is so much wrong in this world at all different levels and scales and as a person who dreams of helping humanity and mankind, I can't help but feel powerless. I wonder if there truly is anything I can do in this world and whether or not anyone would care. Will anything I do actually have an effect? Does this mean that just establishing my own life and family and working for that is what I should focus on, or rather, the only thing I should focus on? It makes my life seem so meaningless if I think that way. It's not what I want.
There has to be more meaning to life...
... is what I want to believe. I want to believe I'm part of a bigger picture, and not just some passive role, but an actual major role. It's why I work so hard and sacrifice so much of my own time and effort and youth, but as every day passes, it becomes more unclear to me whether that is the case. However long this period of isolation lasts, one thing I must establish for myself is my unwavering purpose, the singular goal that will motivate my every day for the unforeseen future. It can be a huge thing or a small thing, but I really need it.